4am is just too DAMN EARLY!

Yee Gads! I was up, showered and lookin' my prettiful self by 4:20am this morning. That is too early in my mind, at any time. I don't sleep too much any more. In my darkest of days I would sleep about 18 hours a day, but I am happy to say, there are not too many dark days in this household. LOVE THAT!

I think that a lot of that is that my family is happy. Is it a chicken or the egg situation? If mom ain't happy, no one's happy? Or is it because everyone is happy,all is well? Maybe a little of both.

I know my guys like not waking up to an alarm. I know they like not having to make their lunch, they like having their breakfast served to them, being taken and picked up from school. They like knowing mom is around. And mom likes it too. Right now my life revolves around them. Am I too involved? Some would say yes. Do they? No. They need guidance and attention more now than they ever did in their lives. Now is when they make critical choices that can make their lives so much better or pardon the expression, fuck them up royally. While I (and Craig) have some, ok a lot, of control over their lives, we will do everything we can to make sure these are the best of years for them.

Let's face it, all ages have its problems. But being a teenager really sucks sometimes. Sterling has switched his friendship group at school after finally deciding he was sick of being treated like shit. We had a lot of tears about that, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. I'm quite hideous when I cry.  Haha - who am I kidding, I'm always fabulous! (kidding) It was very hard to see Sterling so upset and Craig and I were very worried. We had to pull out one of those "you should never do that" tricks, but it worked and is still working. Both my guys are ladies men, having a group of girls they eat lunch with. Kaedo's group I know, Sterling's I don't, but they are both happy.

I think Craig is too - after all it's football season and I swear the NFL plays 6 days a week. As long as he doesn't watch Tosh.2.0 in our bed, I'm happy to fall asleep listening to the game. He doesn't eat pizza 3 nights a week, he doesn't have to clean up the dishes and when I remember, I iron his shirts. We are lucky to have our Sunday morning date and while I know the extra pressure is there for him to provide for us, he is wonderful at what he does and we work together to make a life for our family.

I guess what I'm saying, is that I am embarrassed to admit that when I was a working mom, it made no sense to me why other moms with school aged children didn't work. I know now that I do work, just in a a different way. I carpool, make lunches, breakfasts, suppers, snacks. I wash clothes, fold and put away. I get oil changes, take cars for service and take kids to appointments. I go to the movies one Friday morning a month to see the shows no one else will see with me. I deal with the schools, I sit on the council, I volunteer my time if and when necessary. I shuttle kids to their friends house, the movies and other activities and I get to spend time with my dog.

I'm not justifying what I do, or being at home. I write because it is a concrete way of looking back and saying, "this was my life on this day".

And you know what? I am happier now than I have been in years. Truly. I woke up one day and thought, "you know what, today will be a good day, just like yesterday, and the day before that". That's big for me. Really big. Mental Illness has consumed me for the better part of 20 years. I will no longer allow that. It may have brought me to my knees, but it will not take me down.