It was tragic news I received today upon reading some of the crochet feeds I follow. A brilliant young crochet artist and blogger committed suicide. She was 28. A baby. While I had yet to create something from one of the beautiful patterns she designed and gave freely to others, I had seen her work many times and was awed by her skill and artistry. She spoke candidly about the severe depression that plagued her and that she did not know if she would be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel. While warning flags should have gone up everywhere, ultimately it was her choice to fight or not.
I am not and will not judge the decision to commit suicide as I know the statistics and real world feelings as I have spoken with too many adolescents about their belief that suicide is the only way to end the sadness, the pain, the ignorance, the unknowing. To them I say this, "even in my darkest days I would NEVER give up being mentally ill or being diagnosed with a multi-faceted severe mental illness". Why? What I have makes up who I am, it has created the amazing children I have who know how to listen, look for signs, help their friends, talk and get help when necessary. It has created a bond with my husband that no one would ever understand as it has been built on a foundation of love, learning and understanding far beyond that of a traditional marriage. Craig and the boys didn't sign up for this, but they haven't given up, either. Because of that, I never will. I will never leave this world until it is ultimately my time. I will never leave them. They are my core. My people. I believe that when you are born, the day of your death is chosen for you and from that first moment, the clock counts down. This is not morbid, as I plan for my clock to keep ticking for at least another 50 years. I also believe that I will never do anything to run down that clock quicker than necessary. I still have so much to do, so much to accomplish, so much to bear witness to.
My sadness, and believe me there have been many tears today for this beautiful young woman, is that we as a population don't know what to do, can't do it, don't want to do it, refuse to believe it, and in the end a life worth living is extinguished and a family is left to pick up the pieces with so many questions unanswered.
So, if you do nothing else today, look around you - really look - at the people in your life. Give a hug, send a text, offer a shoulder, say I love you. You know who is struggling, don't let your fear stop you from doing the right thing, the human thing. And if you are struggling, I am here. I will listen, I will text, I will talk, I will do what you need. Because so many of you have done that for me.
While I do not believe in any version of a God, many people do. I ask those of you that do to not make suicide a sin as many religions believe, for you would not want someone to judge you this way. May you only hope that should someone believe in God, that in committing suicide they go to Heaven, as perhaps in their mind this is where they will finally be at peace. That is what a true believer would do. Wish. Wish for their peace. And so that is what I do - I don't pray, ever - but I do wish - wish for peace, that finally after living a life she could no longer bear to live, she has finally found the peace she was unable to find on Earth. In whatever form that may be. As Christians, non-Christians, believers and non-believers, a wish for peace is the kindest thing we can do.
And to her family, I cannot imagine your pain, your guilt, the tragedy. I wish for your pain to lessen over time, I hope that you understand that this decision was hers and hers alone and that guilt has no place in this, and lastly that when you can, you speak of her and her talent, and beauty and struggles. That you teach and learn and help. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss.
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