How do I write this?

It was tragic news I received today upon reading some of the crochet feeds I follow. A brilliant young crochet artist and blogger committed suicide. She was 28. A baby. While I had yet to create something from one of the beautiful patterns she designed and gave freely to others, I had seen her work many times and was awed by her skill and artistry. She spoke candidly about the severe depression that plagued her and that she did not know if she would be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel. While warning flags should have gone up everywhere, ultimately it was her choice to fight or not.

I am not and will not judge the decision to commit suicide as I know the statistics and real world feelings as I have spoken with too many adolescents about their belief that suicide is the only way to end the sadness, the pain, the ignorance, the unknowing. To them I say this, "even in my darkest days I would NEVER give up being mentally ill or being diagnosed with a multi-faceted severe mental illness". Why? What I have makes up who I am, it has created the amazing children I have who know how to listen, look for signs, help their friends, talk and get help when necessary. It has created a bond with my husband that no one would ever understand as it has been built on a foundation of love, learning and understanding far beyond that of a traditional marriage. Craig and the boys didn't sign up for this, but they haven't given up, either. Because of that, I never will. I will never leave this world until it is ultimately my time. I will never leave them. They are my core. My people. I believe that when you are born, the day of your death is chosen for you and from that first moment, the clock counts down. This is not morbid, as I plan for my clock to keep ticking for at least another 50 years. I also believe that I will never do anything to run down that clock quicker than necessary. I still have so much to do, so much to accomplish, so much to bear witness to.

My sadness, and believe me there have been many tears today for this beautiful young woman, is that we as a population don't know what to do, can't do it, don't want to do it, refuse to believe it, and in the end a life worth living is extinguished and a family is left to pick up the pieces with so many questions unanswered.

So, if you do nothing else today, look around you - really look - at the people in your life. Give a hug, send a text, offer a shoulder, say I love you. You know who is struggling, don't let your fear stop you from doing the right thing, the human thing. And if you are struggling, I am here. I will listen, I will text, I will talk, I will do what you need. Because so many of you have done that for me.

While I do not believe in any version of a God, many people do. I ask those of you that do to not make suicide a sin as many religions believe, for you would not want someone to judge you this way. May you only hope that should someone believe in God, that in committing suicide they go to Heaven, as perhaps in their mind this is where they will finally be at peace. That is what a true believer would do. Wish. Wish for their peace. And so that is what I do - I don't pray, ever - but I do wish - wish for peace, that finally after living a life she could no longer bear to live, she has finally found the peace she was unable to find on Earth. In whatever form that may be. As Christians, non-Christians, believers and non-believers, a wish for peace is the kindest thing we can do.

And to her family, I cannot imagine your pain, your guilt, the tragedy.  I wish for your pain to lessen over time, I hope that you understand that this decision was hers and hers alone and that guilt has no place in this, and lastly that when you can, you speak of her and her talent, and beauty and struggles. That you teach and learn and help. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss.

Happy Birthday Kaedo!!!!!

Happy Birthday Kaedo!

How it can be that our baby is 16?

Based on that, I have scoured our hard drive and found 16 pictures that are adorable, embarrassing and every bit as lovely as he is.

Kaeden is a kind, gentle and caring soul, who is loving and generous with his time (but not his money - LOL). He is smart and engaging when he is interested in something and will research obsessively about something that he wants to know more about. While he will never make a decision about what to do, he will happily join in on whatever is going on - usually! He is not interested in doing things he doesn't want to do, and while understands that sometimes you have to, he has learned early that life is too short to do what you hate. A lesson we could all learn from him.

He loves soccer, hanging out with his friends, the movies, school, and after today, longboarding. He is best friends with his brother and of that we are so thrilled. They've always got each others back and stand beside each other as a united front against the world. Everyone should be so lucky to have someone like that in their lives. He is a wonderful son who still loves to hang out with his mom and dad - YAY!

He has the best sense of humor in our family. He is quick, deadly accurate in his observations and witty. He is quick to throw a funny jab and never hurts people's feelings. His favorite word is "phrasing".

He is the most stubborn individual I have ever met, and much too competitive for my liking, but being stubborn and not backing down has stopped him from falling into the traps some of his peers have fallen into. Being stubborn, has pushed him back from a debilitating knee injury and surgery, right on to the soccer field, playing the game he loves. We have to give him mad props for that.

As the quieter of our two sons, he is often in the shadows behind his gregarious brother and not seen for the miraculous, amazing individual he is. He loves with his whole heart and while he may not always speak up, he shows in his actions and kindness how truly amazing he is. My hope is that one day he steps out of the shadows so that everyone can see who we see.

And so today we celebrate Kaeden's 16th birthday with a shopping trip for a longboard, lunch out, dinner at Jack Astors, singing, laughter and the realization that we as a family will move heaven and earth to be with each other on his special day.

On a personal note - Kaedo - I love you more than I could ever express and I am so proud of you and the person you have become. You are a bright light in this world. A shining beacon of goodness. While your presence is often quiet, the dignity in which you live your life is something we can all learn from. Keeping being you, my baby boy as there is no one else like you.  You will change the world. Quietly, effectively and with great impact. I believe in you and have since the moment you were born. 

Happy birthday my love! 

Aren't you doing the blog anymore?

So says my mother on the first and second day of their two week visit. Yes mom, I am still doing the blog. I promise.

Having started the blog in its current format in June of 2007, and since then having written 1766 posts, had 57,647 page views, made some people angry, some laugh, some cry, I have tried to be as honest as possible. Some people like what I write, some people are perplexed at what I choose to write about, some people like and some people dislike my soapbox.

So why haven't I written in weeks? The reason is simple and yet not. My family is busy. Both Craig and I work full time, the kids go to school, both work jobs, Kaedo has soccer, and to be honest, by the time we get home at night, we are tired and the issues that I would like to discuss on the blog, are not meant for this audience. I walk a very fine line between believing that this is my blog and I should write what I believe in and feel strongly about, all the while, balancing the fact the readers of the blog may very well be offended and angry by my opinions on the subjects that affect my family and the families that we are friends with.

Because of this, I have found it hard to write, as all I want to do is pour out my frustration, and this is not the place for it.

So for now, until I can decide what else to write about, and until some of the activities that we will partake in during my mom and dad's visit have pictures and stories to go with them, we have called a radio silence on the blog.

I am a dog with a bone, and Craig and my mom tell me this is a soapbox better not shared here.

So mom, the blog continues, but for right now, until I have something to write about that is fun and appropriate for this audience, things are a little slow. I am hoping for pictures of the Honda Indy, the races and other fun things, to fill this space, But it takes time, photos, adventures and the proper frame of mind to make this work.

A special thank you to my mom and dad for coming yesterday to hear my last speaking engagement of this school year. It was an honor to have you there and an honor to be able to 'honor you' (which I hope I did) for everything you have done for me and continue to do for me, Thank you.